For all of you "doubters" and "idealogues" I think you should know...I'm smarter than I appear. That's not a difficult notion to prove because, quite honestly... I appear to be a large, beefy dufus. So exceeding expectations is certainly not a "ground breaking" experience for me.
I also tend to be a little naive as far as trusting people. I tend to WANT to believe that the average person does not wake up and say to themselves, "It's Tuesday! I'm going to go F - - - someone up! Just for the hell of it!" (Although I am finding this to be the case more and more often, which I find rather disturbing.)
But this "self-sponsored naivety" has a tendency to put me into difficult spots... I look like a pushover... a dupe... a wussy... (you get the picture). In my excitement to rush in on my "white horse" I tend to over-extend my limited emotional reserves and I can feel the pressure mount (and mount). And no, I'm not talking about YOU!
I feel like I'm drifting off course a little here...
That's an understatement! That could be the defining statement for the WHOLE damn country... we've drifted off course... a little here... a little there... not so much over there.... but a lot up there! So it's time to leave a 2009 behind, all of it! Yes even that part!
Time to realize that we may not like where we stand but that we are all still standing. Time to consider how doing what "feels" right is not as important as what "IS" right and take that next step in the RIGHT direction... not only individually, but as communities and a country.
Defining moments happen every day! We define them! It's all one giant "linked system"! One small adjustment here, can make a big adjustment there... and so on.
For me! I'm done with all of 2009 (spit). Finished with it...
Take me home, Mr. Goss (Cover your eyes if you are at BYU)...
Falling In Love Sounds a LOT Like Getting Your Butt Kicked
I am on a basketball team. Yup! Professional...
(Grinning Really BIG) I tried to keep a straight face saying that! I do play with a regular group and we ARE all professionals, just not professional basketball players. (Smiling ) Let's see we have two professional singers, a writer, a lawyer and ME!
My lawyer friend told us just yesterday that he is in love, again. (I'm immediately underwhelmed) I ask him how he knows he's in love and he begins to expound the "signs and symptoms" of being in love.He is a lawyer so he has an oral and aural fixation with words, whereas, I am a writer, and I have a visual and written fixation with words. So he begins to expound and pontificate and we all begin to look for a place to sit down... because this is going to take some time!
As I listen to my lawyer friend, I begin to realize that if I didn't already know what he was talking about I would swear he had some woman kicking his butt! Seriously!
"She makes me feel kind of light headed and when she talks to me its like her words sink in deep. I can't seem to escape her gaze and I always feel like I'm helpless against her wit and charm."
The token female on the team is now rolling her eyes.
He continues, "I tried to not let myself fall in love with her but I she pulls me back with her loving kisses and smiles. I just feel helpless against her."
I am getting rather "disgusted" by these oral soliloquies at this point and throw the basketball at the side of his head when he's not looking.
"Sounds dangerous to me..." I mutter, as I dodge the basketball that has been poorly thrown back at me. "If I didn't know any better it sounds to me like you got your butt kicked by a girl!" I wander towards the locker room.
"Token" (the female player) is laughing so hard she is snorting at this point. "Yooou got your butt kicked! Yoooouuu got your butt kicked!" (She's obviously one of the two singers)
(Grinning Really BIG) I tried to keep a straight face saying that! I do play with a regular group and we ARE all professionals, just not professional basketball players. (Smiling ) Let's see we have two professional singers, a writer, a lawyer and ME!
My lawyer friend told us just yesterday that he is in love, again. (I'm immediately underwhelmed) I ask him how he knows he's in love and he begins to expound the "signs and symptoms" of being in love.He is a lawyer so he has an oral and aural fixation with words, whereas, I am a writer, and I have a visual and written fixation with words. So he begins to expound and pontificate and we all begin to look for a place to sit down... because this is going to take some time!
As I listen to my lawyer friend, I begin to realize that if I didn't already know what he was talking about I would swear he had some woman kicking his butt! Seriously!
"She makes me feel kind of light headed and when she talks to me its like her words sink in deep. I can't seem to escape her gaze and I always feel like I'm helpless against her wit and charm."
The token female on the team is now rolling her eyes.
He continues, "I tried to not let myself fall in love with her but I she pulls me back with her loving kisses and smiles. I just feel helpless against her."
I am getting rather "disgusted" by these oral soliloquies at this point and throw the basketball at the side of his head when he's not looking.
"Sounds dangerous to me..." I mutter, as I dodge the basketball that has been poorly thrown back at me. "If I didn't know any better it sounds to me like you got your butt kicked by a girl!" I wander towards the locker room.
"Token" (the female player) is laughing so hard she is snorting at this point. "Yooou got your butt kicked! Yoooouuu got your butt kicked!" (She's obviously one of the two singers)
Wait! Is That Poop?... Ummmm...
Yes I realize that I implied that this post would be about poop...
OK, I didn't just imply it, I said it would be. (Cringing)
But it isn't about poop, or potties as I said. I just thought it made a rather... intriguing title. I apologize for the misleading introduction and title, but I was having a horrible time devising a cunning title for the actual message of this post.
Not to mention, you would not BELIEVE the grief I have received in emails regarding my posting about sneezing into my sleeve. Apparently mucous is not a subject matter very conducive to easy reading. I must assume that talk of poop and potties would garner the same response.
No, actually, I'm writing this post for all of you burgeoning bride-grooms and expectant boyfriends out there. I need for you to stop with your "everything is glorious" smiles and the "kissy kissy" faces for a few minutes while I answer some of your questions. I need to give you a little shot of "reality". Then you can go back to being "whipped".
All of you girlfriends/ fiances/ wives out there should stop reading...but you won't. Especially now that I've said that you should! ("You're not the boss of me!")
So you ladies can keep reading but... well... I guess you're going to have to hear it from someone, so it may as well be me. I spend my life with half the women I know angry at me, anyway, so why should you be special?
I'm going to answer some questions for the men. Not questions they have asked me but, rather, questions that I KNOW they have been thinking or contemplating or at least considered in a passing thought. I'm answering these questions for the rising generation of men so that they will have a little bit of "warning" and be prepared to respond accordingly.
But I'm going to REALLY piss the women off here and not write the questions to the answers. I will merely be giving the men the answers. Why? because the men...they all already know the questions! You women may THINK you know what I'm talking about but you won't. But the guys will know what I'm talking about! And even though they may SAY they tell you the whole "question" you seek... they won't. It's a guy thing!
Answer Number One.
About 3 Months! Then, not so much... for both of you a little.. but more so on her part. Not because your not still sexy and "all that", but because...hmmm...well...how do I say this?...You're already "checked off". Not in a bad way! Given the right situation, being "checked off" is comforting and fun! It's just that there are other things that she is going to start feeling the need to "check off". And, YES, that's one of them, but she won't start dropping those "hints" until at least month 6.
Answer Number Two.
DEFINITELY Six!!!
Answer Number Three.
Do not answer the question! Simply ask her..."Do these pants make me look STUPID?"
Answer Number 4.
Because its not about "WHERE" its about "HOW"! It's never about the "answer" or the "outcome" it's always about the "journey" and the "process"! Make the journey together, and the answer will always be correct!
Answer Number 5.
Wait until she's asleep and then sleep on the floor next to the bed. You may THINK you want to sleep on the couch, but waking up alone will make the situation worse. Your job is to protect her... to watch over her... sleep on the stinkin' floor! Trust me!
Answer Number 6.
Because even though you are past the first three months, she will not forget you, if you don't forget her. Quiet consistency! Firm resolve! Unwaivering patience! A smile instead of a lecture! A touch instead of a grope. She will remember you... and it will be worth it!
Answer Number 7
YES! The answer is Still Six!!!
Answer Number 8.
Not until SHE tells you! But she will!
Answer Number 9.
Every single time! Even if you don't think she will remember... because she will. And you can never get enough of them!
Answer Number 10.
I'm 97% sure you will! Just as long as you remember the first nine answers!!
So there you men go!! The answers to the 10 biggest questions running through your mind!
Go be the MAN!
OK, I didn't just imply it, I said it would be. (Cringing)
But it isn't about poop, or potties as I said. I just thought it made a rather... intriguing title. I apologize for the misleading introduction and title, but I was having a horrible time devising a cunning title for the actual message of this post.
Not to mention, you would not BELIEVE the grief I have received in emails regarding my posting about sneezing into my sleeve. Apparently mucous is not a subject matter very conducive to easy reading. I must assume that talk of poop and potties would garner the same response.
No, actually, I'm writing this post for all of you burgeoning bride-grooms and expectant boyfriends out there. I need for you to stop with your "everything is glorious" smiles and the "kissy kissy" faces for a few minutes while I answer some of your questions. I need to give you a little shot of "reality". Then you can go back to being "whipped".
All of you girlfriends/ fiances/ wives out there should stop reading...but you won't. Especially now that I've said that you should! ("You're not the boss of me!")
So you ladies can keep reading but... well... I guess you're going to have to hear it from someone, so it may as well be me. I spend my life with half the women I know angry at me, anyway, so why should you be special?
I'm going to answer some questions for the men. Not questions they have asked me but, rather, questions that I KNOW they have been thinking or contemplating or at least considered in a passing thought. I'm answering these questions for the rising generation of men so that they will have a little bit of "warning" and be prepared to respond accordingly.
But I'm going to REALLY piss the women off here and not write the questions to the answers. I will merely be giving the men the answers. Why? because the men...they all already know the questions! You women may THINK you know what I'm talking about but you won't. But the guys will know what I'm talking about! And even though they may SAY they tell you the whole "question" you seek... they won't. It's a guy thing!
Answer Number One.
About 3 Months! Then, not so much... for both of you a little.. but more so on her part. Not because your not still sexy and "all that", but because...hmmm...well...how do I say this?...You're already "checked off". Not in a bad way! Given the right situation, being "checked off" is comforting and fun! It's just that there are other things that she is going to start feeling the need to "check off". And, YES, that's one of them, but she won't start dropping those "hints" until at least month 6.
Answer Number Two.
DEFINITELY Six!!!
Answer Number Three.
Do not answer the question! Simply ask her..."Do these pants make me look STUPID?"
Answer Number 4.
Because its not about "WHERE" its about "HOW"! It's never about the "answer" or the "outcome" it's always about the "journey" and the "process"! Make the journey together, and the answer will always be correct!
Answer Number 5.
Wait until she's asleep and then sleep on the floor next to the bed. You may THINK you want to sleep on the couch, but waking up alone will make the situation worse. Your job is to protect her... to watch over her... sleep on the stinkin' floor! Trust me!
Answer Number 6.
Because even though you are past the first three months, she will not forget you, if you don't forget her. Quiet consistency! Firm resolve! Unwaivering patience! A smile instead of a lecture! A touch instead of a grope. She will remember you... and it will be worth it!
Answer Number 7
YES! The answer is Still Six!!!
Answer Number 8.
Not until SHE tells you! But she will!
Answer Number 9.
Every single time! Even if you don't think she will remember... because she will. And you can never get enough of them!
Answer Number 10.
I'm 97% sure you will! Just as long as you remember the first nine answers!!
So there you men go!! The answers to the 10 biggest questions running through your mind!
Go be the MAN!
