Fireworks to the Groin and Other Stuff You Shouldn't Waste Your Time Reading... But You Will!

I buy crazy stuff sometimes.

I don't know why... if I knew why I wouldn't say I buy crazy stuff sometimes, now would I?

Not like the "Bi-Polar" crazy stuff, but stuff that just sounds fun because I may be a dad and all, but, hey, I'm still a dude!!!

I bought these really neat "champagne poppers" just after July 4th this year on the off chance that we could use them to celebrate the demise of the Healthcare Bill, not to mention that the dude sold me four 10 packs for a DOLLAR. (In my mind I went.. "boooooooo-yahhhhhh") but then the cheapskate in me blurted out "ninety cents and you gotta deal!" The dude gave me the strangest look as he handed me the bag of poppers and my ... um... my dime.

Stop laughing at me! It was the principle of the thing, not  JUST the ten cents that I put back into my pocket and then lost in the dryer! I just feel compelled to do that... my kids hate it!

But they loved it the other night when I pulled that "bag o' fun" out of the pantry above the stove from behind the clay chicken! Yup, I watched them eating their daditas (fajitas made by dad) and their faces looked like they were relishing a Linear Algebra class in college. Time to SHAKE THINGS UP!!! KING DAD!!! (Aren't those two words synonymous anyway?? I mean, come on!)  "YES! We get to shoot fireworks!!!" Calvin seemed a little TOO excited, which worried me.

"OK, since we really don't have anything to celebrate, except everyone making A's and B's at school, we will only shoot two each." That was me taking control of the situation, in case you missed it.  Yup, I am the designated GIC (pronounced GEEK), Guy In Charge.

So we all gathered on the back patio for our very informal celebration to everything trivial and mildly momentous. I remember all of us lining up in a semi-circle and me distributing the first champagne popper to every one.

It's important to point out that I've never actually detonated one of these small explosive devices. I was counting on my "Dad's Intuition" to guide me through this "seemingly" trivial matter of champagne poppers.

My detailed instructions were, "On the count of three we all just pull the string". 

"One... Two... THREE!"

All 7 of us suddenly had wads of paper confetti fired into our... well we got shot in our "groinal areas" because we all held the damn things upside down. Intuitively we held the small plastic bottle things in upright position. Which in hindsight does seem rather silly to think that a wad of paper could find its way out of that small opening, but hindsight and all being what it is...

I felt like General Custer watching the utter demise of all of my brave troops due to my own inexperience and not reading the instructions. Kids were doubling over all the way across the semi-circle... not really in pain because it was just paper after all, but in utter shock that something was exploding into their "stop playing with that" area.

Calvin, being the most dramatic, held his pose and looked up at me and utttered, with feigned agony, "Right in the jimmee!" and then with much relish and verve, rolled onto his back with his knees up.

Josh, my 15 year old, and the dry humor specialist of the group brought us back into the moment when he said, "hmm, not as spectacular as I thought but certainly exciting." His nonchalance was balanced by the small ribbons of paper still dangling to his "jimmee area".

We all laughed for at least...  well probably all of 2 or 3 minutes! Seriously, it was funny!

At this point we all sat down on the porch and I regailed them with stories of the insanely massive fireworks wars we would wage at the Boones house every New Year's Day. (Insanely dangerous now that I think about it, but we were indestructible.... right??)

The kids had fun laughing at stories about Dad as a kid and they shared funny stories about when they did something that seemed "cool" at first but turned out to just be fodder for a good laugh. 

Good times! It was well worth the 90 cents spent!