Spud's Court of Appeals and Court is in Session (always...)

We have an injury scale at our house. The scale goes from 1 to 6, and acceptable responses have been clearly defined. Punishments are all subjective based on the merits of the case and the mood of the Arbitrator (that would be ME).  I will pause and let you re-read this paragraph and consider the many nuances...

The reason behind developing this "Injury Scale" was the alarmingly disproportionate reactions some of the "injuries" were provoking. If I had been a smart man I would have filmed some of the incommensurate responses the younger children were performing.

The first time I encountered such a situation I was upstairs in my "quiet room". Okay... I was in the bathroom...sitting in the bathroom... for the sake of not being gross, that's all you need to know.

Anyway, I was enjoying the latest issue of Rachel Ray's Cooking Magazine (shut the HELL up! I'm secure in my manliness!) when out of the blue... SCREAM!   I SWEAR the scream sounded like Abbey had somehow had her arm or some other body appendage traumatically amputated. I was out the door in a flash doing my best to secure my pants around my waist and not trip on the Rachel Ray magazine that had been dropped on the floor.

We have a big house, but when your child is screaming like a... well like she was screaming, the halls and stairs seem like MILES!! I crashed downstairs and into the TV room and... let me describe the scene...

My oldest, Tanner, 17 years old, was standing up in the middle of the room eating a sandwich (eating in the TV room... GRRR) with one hand and holding the remote to the TV up in the air with his other hand... laughing.

Abbey, my 12 year old, was screaming in some strange language and pointing at Tanner, who at this point was realizing that this probably wasn't the "funny" situation he had originally considered it to be. He stopped smiling and handed me the TV remote... I guess he thought I would know what to do with it.

I knelt down on one knee and began looking at Abbey's arms and head for the site of the injury. Still half expecting at least some blood loss or maybe deep bruising. Nope...

"Dad! What are you doing?"

I looked at her... "I'm trying to find where you are bleeding!!"

"I'm not bleeding... Tanner changed it from iCarly and wouldn't change it back and he's been playing his Xbox on the TV all day and I ..."

"WAIT!..." I held up my hand at both her and her brother "Stop talking.... NOW!"

I was trying not to curse because the kids were around and Sarah, especially, would find my swearing a source of great entertainment.

"You mean to tell me that you are NOT bleeding or that you don't have any broken bones or even a nasty little red mark? You screamed like THAT and you're not in need of a DAMN ambulance (Sarah smiled and covered her mouth).

Sarah went on to cover her mouth one or two more times in that conversation. Hey... I tried!

But one or two situations like that and I knew it was time to define the level of injuries and the appropriate level of response with each classification. I tried to throw in a "Band-aid amendment that stated "blood must be visible" in order to receive a band-aid", but the 7 yo twins threatened a filibuster. So I deferred...

Here's the Official Injury Scale with APPROPRIATE Responses
Scale of 1 to 6
1-2: Some form of "he touched me" occurred. More of a violation of personal space than injury. Response does NOT include any form of crying or yelling. Simply find the GIC (Guy In Charge) and make him aware that your personal space has been violated. The violator will be subjected to a series of pokes to the sides and back in order to teach the importance of personal space.

3-4: Hitting has occurred. There is a red mark, no real bruising and no scratches are visible. There is also no visible blood. The appropriate response to this injury can lead UP TO but not exceed holding the injured area and crying soft to medium levels as you find the GIC and let him know of the injury. Punishment will be determined.

5: Any injury that is causing bleeding. Blood must be present at the time of inspection WITHOUT squeezing the area to assist the blood in being exposed. Crying medium to loud levels is tolerated with this injury, but the crying can not be for longer than it takes for the GIC to get it cleaned off and wrapped in a band-aid or bandage. Punishment for causing bleeding will be determined based on the situation and testimony of witnesses.

6: Trauma involving injury that may require stitches or a trip to the ER. This includes hitting with sticks or rocks or golf clubs or hockey sticks without allowing the other person to be in the proper protective gear. Reaction to this type of injury can include crying up to and including screaming for help.

You're probably making the same face my 12 year old daughter made when I announced the new scale. But it works!

Today Adam, my 7 yo son (Sarah's twin brother), came running upstairs to me after Sarah had smacked him across his forehead with a nerf sword. "DADDD! Is this a 4 or a 5???"  I gave him the sideways glance with a smirky smile and told him to go get his sister for me.

He ran out

"Sarah! Dad wants you! You're lucky! It's just a 4!"