Potty Training PTSD... The Horror!

I have a friend who is trying to potty train her young son. Apparently the child will put the urinations in the toilet, but not the defecations. And apparently this child gets a LOT of fiber because I get 5 or 6 messages in an afternoon that "he's done it again... This is Crazy!"

As a Dad, there would come a point where I would seriously consider maybe... rubbing the little kids nose in it and saying... "no no! bad!!!", but if it doesn't even work for dogs how is it supposed to work for a Human child. Heck, a human child isn't even smart enough to open the door of a hot van when they get left in there on a hot Summer day by some Memphis-Mother-type person. (They really do cook a lot of kids in Memphis. It's like living next door to your half-witted cousin)

And rubbing a child's nose in feces would just be wrong.... wrong, wrong, wrong... right Guys??? Wrong! Especially if you may have been about to try it and you get caught, "Wha... Wait! What? NOOOO! I wasn't going to rub his nose in ... are you crazy?!.... What? The rolled up newspaper? Um.. I was just going to let him... um ... read the... (quickly unrolling it to read which section) Lifestyle section! Yeah! You know, the comics and all... heh heh!"

I have another friend who recently posted about a little girl pooping in the bathtub... she had to touch it. That happened to me once... I don't mean I pooped in the tub! I mean, one of my kids pooped in the tub. (I may or may not have pooped in the tub in the early years of my first decade of life, but that's irrelevant to the story at hand... at hand... poop... at hand...touching poop- dang I'm a sly word smith)

The difference in my story is that I went to grab the child out of the tub (after coming to the conclusion that NO MATTER how much soap I used it would all be for naught if I left him in the poo-poo water) and the child didn't want to get out! So, when I lifted the child UP the child reared back like a bow and head butted me to the nose with the back of his head and kicked me with both heels in the family jewels (the groin-al area).

"Holy Mo.... Oh Fu... dge!"

So I put the child on the potty... which he promptly slipped down INTO because he was wet and well, had lots of soap on him from actually trying to find out... not important! The child is, at this point, screaming like bloody hell and has half his body stuck in the toilet and he is covered in soap and poo poo water. I'm thinking that's probably the safest place for the child because I was in no condition to chase the child down the hall.

THIS is where having a keen sense of being able to work under pressure comes in handy! I remember that the kitchen sink has a sprayer! (Stop groaning... I sprayed it with some lysol after!) So, without thinking, I hit the water release button on the tub and pull the slippery child out of the toilet and with a dirty towel carry him down the hall and down the stairs and across the living room to the kitchen."DAMN! I forgot to wash the pots after I made the kid his mac and cheese!" No worries, there's still room for him next to the cheesy pot.

So I stand the 2 year old child in the sink and have him lean over and hold onto the side of the sink. He does and looks down and says "Cheezy" and begins to reach for the errant noodle or two left in the pot.... "Yucky, gross! NO!" and he bides his time til I'm not looking.

Now, I'm not a kitchen sink shower sprayer expert! So I had no idea the kitchen sprayer would be like the bathroom shower and have that moment or two of frigid water before the warm water began to flow. And in my defense I wasn't trying to be mean to the kid when I aimed it at the... "spot". But, boy oh boy, that 2 year old kid nearly jumped out of the sink when that first frigid stream made contact. And... I felt bad! I would have cried, too! So I didn't make as much of a fuss when he reached down for a noodle or two out of the pot in the sink. Hey! He stopped crying!

Two minutes later a freshly rinsed and clean little kid emerged from the kitchen sink and we were able to get on with our day... except for the matter of the poop still in the bathtub...

It would surprise you, but poop isn't as "firm" as it looks! And when it hits the hair trap on a bathtub it doesn't just "maintain" on top of the grate... it integrates! Which means... I have another GENIUS idea at this point...Men, help me here! It will DISINTEGRATE! With the sly smile of a veritable domestic genius I grabbed the removable shower head from the holder up high, put the hot water on full volume, and with a flick of my thumb I hit the water release button!!!

You know that saying... "The poop hit the fan!"? Yup... like that! But with frigid cold then sizzling hot water as the transport device. It went EVERYWHERE!

It was a very long afternoon....


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