Wait! Is That Poop?... Ummmm...

Yes I realize that I implied that this post would be about poop...

OK, I didn't just imply it, I said it would be. (Cringing)

But it isn't about poop, or potties as I said. I just thought it made a rather... intriguing title. I apologize for the misleading introduction and title, but I was having a horrible time devising a cunning title for the actual message of this post.

Not to mention, you would not BELIEVE the grief I have received in emails regarding my posting about sneezing into my sleeve. Apparently mucous is not a subject matter very conducive to easy reading. I must assume that talk of poop and potties would garner the same response.

No, actually, I'm writing this post for all of you burgeoning bride-grooms and expectant boyfriends out there. I need for you to stop with your "everything is glorious" smiles and the "kissy kissy" faces for a few minutes while I answer some of your questions. I need to give you a little shot of "reality". Then you can go back to being "whipped".

All of you girlfriends/ fiances/ wives out there should stop reading...but you won't. Especially now that I've said that you should! ("You're not the boss of me!")

So you ladies can keep reading but... well... I guess you're going to have to hear it from someone, so it may as well be me. I spend my life with half the women I know angry at me, anyway, so why should you be special?

I'm going to answer some questions for the men. Not questions they have asked me but, rather, questions that I KNOW they have been thinking or contemplating or at least considered in a passing thought. I'm answering these questions for the rising generation of men so that they will have a little bit of "warning" and be prepared to respond accordingly.

But I'm going to REALLY piss the women off here and not write the questions to the answers. I will merely be giving the men the answers. Why? because the men...they all already know the questions! You women may THINK you know what I'm talking about but you won't. But the guys will know what I'm talking about! And even though they may SAY they tell you the whole "question" you seek... they won't. It's a guy thing!

Answer Number One.
About 3 Months! Then, not so much... for both of you a little.. but more so on her part. Not because your not still sexy and "all that", but because...hmmm...well...how do I say this?...You're already "checked off". Not in a bad way! Given the right situation, being "checked off" is comforting and fun! It's just that there are other things that she is going to start feeling the need to "check off". And, YES, that's one of them, but she won't start dropping those "hints" until at least month 6.

Answer Number Two.
DEFINITELY Six!!!

Answer Number Three.
Do not answer the question! Simply ask her..."Do these pants make me look STUPID?"

Answer Number 4.
Because its not about "WHERE" its about "HOW"! It's never about the "answer" or the "outcome" it's always about the "journey" and the "process"! Make the journey together, and the answer will always be correct!

Answer Number 5.
Wait until she's asleep and then sleep on the floor next to the bed. You may THINK you want to sleep on the couch, but waking up alone will make the situation worse. Your job is to protect her... to watch over her... sleep on the stinkin' floor! Trust me!

Answer Number 6.
Because even though you are past the first three months, she will not forget you, if you don't forget her. Quiet consistency! Firm resolve! Unwaivering patience! A smile instead of a lecture! A touch instead of a grope. She will remember you... and it will be worth it!

Answer Number 7
YES! The answer is Still Six!!!

Answer Number 8.
Not until SHE tells you! But she will!

Answer Number 9.
Every single time! Even if you don't think she will remember... because she will. And you can never get enough of them!

Answer Number 10.
I'm 97% sure you will! Just as long as you remember the first nine answers!!

So there you men go!! The answers to the 10 biggest questions running through your mind!

Go be the MAN!